Shitespace - The Sweary Fairy
The Sweary Fairy
Mike Stools
The Sweary Fairy
Ate no dairy,
She was lactose intolerant.
Upon her bread
No butter she'd spread,
Or consent to have cream in her vol-au-vents.
And this situation
Caused much frustration.
She found it most overbearing,
And as a result
She'd go and insult
Every poor soul with her swearing.

First up was Mixie,
A dear little pixie.
She called her a fucked up old slag,
And Mavis the witch
Was deemed a fat bitch,
And a clap-ridden dirty old hag.
The poor unicorn
Was told that his horn
Resembled a hideous canker.
She was even defiant
Unto the giant
And called him a fucking great wanker.

The dwarves were told
To shove all their gold
Right up their butts with great force.
The elves' pointy ears
Made them look queer,
She said with no shame or remorse.
And for a laugh,
Said the wizard's staff
Always has a knob on the end.
Gone passed a joke,
All that she spoke
Was well guaranteed to offend.

To complain was no use,
She'd hurl her abuse
At anyone who tried to cross her.
'You big bag of shite',
She said to the sprite,
'And the goblin's a leprechaun tosser.'
She said that imps
Were stupid old blimps;
It caused a great deal of affront,
But all should be wary
Of the Sweary Fairy;
She'll only go call you a cunt.

She acted refutal,
Her words were so brutal
The ogre was driven to tears.
These savage profanities
Of such inhumanity
Gave the poor dragon the fear.
'It's terribly tragic,
We've tried all our magic,'
The shamens and wizards explained.
'It's such a commotion,
I can't find a potion,'
The alchemist sadly complained.

Then into the land
There roamed a strange man
Bearing a bag of delights.
The magical folk
Explained to this bloke
About their unfortunate plight.
The man understood
And said that he would
Help them as best as he can.
Ne'er in his days
Had he seen such a case,
But you could see he was hatching a plan.

'If you cannot eat cheeses,
You're prone to diseases
And subject to such affectation.
I speculate
This fairy's state
Is due to this wretched privation.
And so I propose
That I diagnose
A potent remedial substitute.
I have in my sack
A kilo of crack.
We'll need to employ a subterfuge.'

The sorcerer smiled
Like a mischievous child,
'A splendid, ingenious plot!
Tonight I shall host
A party, and post
An invite to all of our lot.
I'll include the vile fairy,
Although she is scary
And drives all us people insane.
And as we drink liquor
I'll subtley trick her
And get her to smoke your cocaine.'

And so it was done.
The prep had begun
With tinsel, balloons and some bunting,
And invites sent wide.
The fairy replied
Amidst effing and blinding and cunting.
'Are they trying to please me,
Or even appease me?'
She wondered as she starting dressing.
'But I'll show those fuckers
That they're merely suckers.
With me they shouldn't be messing.'

And then came the night;
It was such a delight.
Everyone had so much fun,
Singing and dancing
Leaping and prancing
And cracking a joke and a pun.
No one could spoil it,
Even the toilet
Was kept nice and clean for all guests,
But they kept their breaths baited
As they anxiously waited
For her whom they intended to best.

The sun had just set
And she hadn't come yet.
They watched it go o'er the horizon.
A wolf howled aloud,
And all of the crowd
Saw that the moon was now rising.
They all heard a rustle;
The hedgerow did bustle,
And from it appeared a dark figure.
All felt a fright
At this sinister sight,
But then they could hear a faint snigger.

'Surprise!' yelled the visitor
At its inquisitors.
'Ha ha ha haaa! Look it's me!'
As out of the shadows
The fairy did bellow,
Presenting herself with great glee.
'Look at you wimps!
Now get me a drink!
It's time for this party to rock.
I've got some new words
That you never have heard
And they're all guaranteed to hard shock.'

'Then come join our party,
And let us be hearty,'
The sorcerer greeted her cordially,
And inside she strode
As the other guests stood
Lined up, all formal and orderly.
'Come and sit down,
Join our circle so round.
Where all our hard feelings can cease.
All of us folk
Invite you to smoke
Our conciliatory pipe of peace.'

The fairy's mood lightened;
Her face even brightened.
She took the placatory pipe.
She held it aloft
And savoured a waft
Of its odour and not gave a gripe.
'A most welcome gift,
To help heal our rift,'
The erstwhile vile fairy spoke.
She, with delicate grips,
Put the pipe to her lips
And eagerly started to toke.

The guests were amazed
As they eagerly gazed;
It looked liked their tactic was working.
The sorcerer beamed
At this elegant scheme.
The unicorn even was smirking.
There'd been no occurrence
Of profane utterance
From their antagonist's tongue.
She looked so content
At this joyous event.
However, the night was still young . . .

And as she smoked more
Her spirit did soar
And strange ideas swirled round her head.
She wasn't sedated
And didn't feel sated
But felt new desires instead.
No tranquillity
Or docility,
But issues that seemed at first thorny.
She was not mistaken,
This drug she had taken
Had ended up making her horny!

She began to perspire
As if gripped by a fire.
A wobbliness came to her legs.
Her heart it did pound
And she rapidly found
Her nips were like chapel hat pegs.
And feeling a rush
Her fadge it did gush
And discharged all over her stoat.
Her mighty hips heaved;
Her damp lips were cleaved
And writhed like a horse munching oats.

This furious feeling
Now sent her reeling;
She threw herself on the hobgoblin.
She pulled down his breeches
And not unlike leeches
Sucked hard on his dong with a gobbling.
Then flat on his back
She presented her crack
And lowered it down to his phallus.
Her lips opened wide
And she slid him inside
Her magical sweet fairy palace.

Onward she pounded
With passion unbounded,
Gasping and moaning out loud.
Her involuntary quarry
Reached moment of glory
And sowed in the field he'd just ploughed.
Finally spent
The hobgoblin went
Happy but tired and sore.
But it wasn't enough
For fairy fay's muff.
She wanted a whole bundle more.

Like wind in a blizzard
She blew down the wizard
And deftly removed his great robe,
And fiery-eyed
She spread her legs wide
And showed him just where he should probe.
The wizard relented
And soon he cemented
Her cavernous moist fleshy chasm,
But unsatisfied
The fairy she cried;
She wanted another orgasm.

Then onto the elves
Who enjoyed themselves
Stirring each other's porridge.
The dwarves all worked hard,
Some in her backyard,
Giving her masses of sausage.
The ogre, the giant,
They all were compliant,
And each gave her plenty of horn.
The troll and the sprite
Each gave their might,
But best was the unicorn.

When her abyss
Took the last drop of jizz
Her appetite had not diminished.
She'd drained every sack
But her head full of crack
Told her that she wasn't finished.
There were still some
Who hadn't yet done
Their part in her self satisfaction.
She saw what she sought.
'It's their turn,' she thought,
'Time for some lesbian action.'

Without any hitches
She stripped bare the witches
And danced with them round the great fire,
And then to their leisure
They started to pleasure
Each other with mounting desire.
The pixies and nymphs
Got down and joined in
As if a great feast or a luncheon.
They had so much fun
With fingers and tongues,
A fiesta of carpet munching.

And into the night
Till the first rays of light
The party showed no signs of slowing.
With sucking and snogging
And fisting and dogging
The orgy kept going and going,
Tying and teasing,
Torturing, pleasing,
Submission and domination.
Swapping and swinging,
Licking and rimming,
All filled with exhilaration.

When dawn shone its light
At the end of the night
They fell in a heap of exhaustion,
Completely worn out,
But no one could doubt
That what they had done had been awesome.
This binge with the fairy
Had been so contrary
To how they had always behaved.
One night of passion
In outrageous fashion!
How could they have been so depraved?

But it doesn't end there
For this sordid affair
Has grown to a regular feature.
At every full moon
This debaucherous boon
Is held by these mystical creatures.
The fairy goes there
And she no longer swears
For she's happy and kind and so gentle.
She's now made amends
With all of her friends
As they all adore shagging her mental.

The stranger wins too
For he now has a few
More clients to buy his fine gear.
As their supplier
He sends them up higher,
So let us all toast his career!
Now everyone's pleased
That the swearing has ceased,
Replaced with the fine sound of laughter.
These magical folk
Solved their woes at a stroke,
And now live happy ever after.

Note: The Sweary Fairy's name was Mary and she was quite hairy (and even came from Tipperary), but these things weren't mentioned in the poem. When you're a professional poet, it's judicious not to over-rhyme.


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