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Born To Be A Cunt
Mike Stools
Some men are born to greatness
Some have it thrust upon them.
Sad to say
It is my fate
That I'll not be among them.
For 'though I'm not deceitful
And 'though I am up front.
I'll never be a great man
'Cos I was born to be a cunt.

Some men perform heroic tasks
And help the weak and poor.
Some dedicate their worthy lives
'Gainst famine, death and war.
And there are those who tend the sick
Or work with violent lunatics
Or wash the gulls caught in a slick
And still come back for more.

But one man you will never see
Performing acts of charity
Is, yes,
You guessed it, me.
I could not partake in such a stunt
'Cos I was born to be a cunt.

I'd say you're completely barmy
If you join the Salvation Army,
And if I said I'm a Samaritan
Bet your arse I'm a charlatan.
I'd rather drive a big flash car
Or hang out in a sushi bar
And be abusive to the waiters
And insist they brought me mashed potaters,
And drink champagne from ladies slippers,
And throw my cash at buxom strippers,
And stagger home completely plastered
Disturbing my neighbours like a total bastard.

Oh yes, I could have been someone
I could've been a contender.
But best, I think, to live my life
A not-so-great pretender.
I could have been a winner
But I'm doomed to be a sinner
Because (pardon me for being blunt)
I was born to be a cunt.

Sometimes I've thought
I could have taught
Myself to find the best in me,
But I'll go no higher.
My one desire
Is to fulfill my destiny.
It is my lot
To sod you lot,
Not give a shit.
To hell with it.
The shame? Disgrace?
My arse, your face!
Why should I care
How well you fare?
For in my world of depravity
I'll slither down its declivity
And tread on every worthless runt
'Cos I was born to be a cunt.


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Born To Be A Cunt
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