Shitespace - The Tale Of The Busy King
The Tale Of The Busy King
Kate Rancid

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there stood a very beautiful palace with ivory white turrets and a soft-focus rose garden which could be smelt for miles around. The inhabitants of the palace were, predictably enough, a king and a queen. And, also predictably, they had a daughter of the utmost beauty.

The king was a busy and serious-minded fellow who took the task of running the country very solemnly indeed. He was always attending meetings with his advisors and entertaining the royalty of neighbouring kingdoms and opening shops and things. Consequently, the queen and the princess saw very little of him.

The queen, as you can imagine, was pretty sexually frustrated. Her husband often didn't come home to the palace for weeks on end, and when he did he would sleep soundly because he was so exhausted. It was hard for the queen. She loved being a queen - don't get me wrong - she got to sit around the palace wearing pearls and gerbil fur, and she'd been able to give up her job in Safeways because the king had plenty of money. But the queen hadn't had sex for almost four years now and she was beginning to grow desperate.

VERY desperate.

She really didn't know what to do. She had considered having an affair but it's not that easy when you're a queen. The media were always watching her - they hid in the bushes surrounding the castle, in the tallest trees in the grounds of the palace, even in the various cupboards inside the palace. The media of this particular kingdom had been specially genetically engineered to be very small - but very quick. Consequently, they were able to hide in cracks in the wall and inside jam jars. The queen couldn't so much as fart or pick her nose without it appearing in the paper or on the telly. There didn't seem to be much chance of her having an affair. If her husband saw that on the news she'd be back at Safeways before she could say "Baggy Knickers!"

The princess knew how her mother felt but she felt powerless to help. It was breaking her heart to see the way the poor queen looked at sausages at dinner time, and the way she relentlessly ran her fingers up and down tubes of Pringles with a far off look in her eyes. The princess knew about the little media so she realised an affair was out of the question.

One day, the princess was walking among the roses in the rose garden when she was struck by an idea. She made haste to the vegetable patch where her plan began to take seed. First, she gathered every single bamboo pole (destroying a few runner beans in the process) that she could find and piled them up on the lawn. Then she went and had a look in the garage.

The kingdom was famed for its successful fishing industry and the queen through wont of anything better to do, often took charge of the mending of fishing nets. Lately, however, she had been so preoccupied with Hoover nozzles and bottles of Sqezy Plus that the pile of torn fishing nets had grown and grown and the garage was now filled with them. The princess dragged all the fishing nets out of the garage and placed them on the lawn with the garden rods.

"Great!" she said.

The media were getting very puzzled. They found it very odd but they could hardly report it! Princess puts fishing nets and garden rods together on lawn is hardly headline news! A few of them went home - they didn't think anything news-worthy was likely to come of the princess's activities.

The princess now began her task. She placed the garden rods vertically and piled them up until they reached almost half a mile towards the sky, tying them in place with pieces of string. She did this four times until she had a square. She then sewed together all the fishing nets and draped them over the poles so the effect was similar to a giant table with a fishing-net surface.

"Excellent!" she said.

She went and fetched the queen. The queen was in the vegetable patch, lovingly tending to her royal carrots. The princess bid her to follow and told her to bring an armful of the larger, riper carrots with her. The queen was confused but she did as the princess asked. The queen followed the princess onto the royal lawn and climbed up one of the poles behind her (the princess). When they reached the top the queen bounced merrily on the fishing nets. It was rather like a hammock and very comfortable.

"This is lovely, dear!" she said, "But I don't see how it can help me!"

The princess smiled.

"You can come here and masturbate with the carrots!" said the princess.

The queen shook her head.

"No," she said sadly, "The media are very clever. They'll follow me here and write about it in the papers. Look!"

She pointed downwards. Sure enough, the media were climbing up the poles.

"No!" said the princess, "Watch!"

The media were beginning to reach the top and as they did they slipped through the holes in the fishing nets and plummeted back down onto the lawn.

"Brill!" said the queen, and the princess left her alone with the carrots.

Over the coming weeks, the queen would often disappear up the garden poles, and always with an armful of over-sized carrots. Her temperment improved vastly. She was awfully grateful.

Then one day, as the princess wandered around the garden reading Barbara Cartland novels, there was an almighty thud. The princess ran to the lawn and found the queen lying dead on the lawn, her knickers round her ankles and various carrots in various places they oughtn't to be. The princess looked up and saw that one of the tears the queen hadn't sewn up in the fishing net had worsened, and soon the hole had become so large the queen had fallen through it to her death.

The media were everywhere. Little paparazzi were snapping with their cameras, and miniature T.V. news reporters were broadcasting live to the entire kingdom.

When the king got to hear about it he was so embarrassed that he abdicated and he and his daughter had to flee the kingdom and live out the remainder of their days in a cave.

I bet he wishes he'd shagged his wife more now. Don't you?


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