Shitespace - The Bagel Stuffers Son
The Bagel Stuffer's Son
Kate Rancid

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived the handsome son of a bagel stuffer. The bagel stuffer's son's name was Entrail and despite his social disadvantages he was the cleverest man in the land. Entrail spent his time in the village library perusing books on exotic lands. He dreamed of becoming an explorer but his father was very old and very sick and Entrail, who was the eldest son, knew he would be expected to take over the family business one day. Although he was happy to do his duty (for he was the most faithful of sons) poor Entrail yearned for adventure, but the furthest he ever went was nearby Spoonville, the meeting place for the Annual Bagel Stuffers' Sons' Convention.

Spoonville was a dreary town and Entrail dreaded the convention but it was the only chance he had to leave the village so he never missed it. Entrail was always on the look-out for adventure but he never dreamed of finding it in Spoonville.

It was midnight when his carriage stopped before Spoonville Botanical World and there was a good deal of slippery ice on the floor. The other bagel stuffers' sons were all tucked up in their hotel rooms but Entrail felt restless so he decided to go for a walk. Unfortunately, he did not know his way around Spoonville so he headed for the town hall where the convention was to be held.

He stared at the building until his eyes grew tired and then headed towards the hotel to bed. But no sooner had he turned the corner than he spied a beautiful dark haired busty Spanish girl eyeing him up from across the street.

Entrail dropped to his knees. It was love at first sight.

The couple spent the entire evening together. The Spanish girl was called Splinter and she too had come to Spoonville for a convention.

"I have a very special skill," she remarked but would say no more on the subject.

Well, the bagel convention came and went but Entrail barely noticed. He was preoccupied by Splinter and her rare and unforgettable beauty.

Each night they would meet in their favourite spot (round the corner from the town hall and then across the road) and gaze stupidly into each other's eyes.

It was Tuesday and Entrail was due to leave. Splinter was heartbroken and pleaded, "My darling Entrail, please return with me to Spain. We can get married and we can open a chain of bagel bakeries."

Entrail thought of his poor father.

"My darling Splinter, I cannot marry you. My father needs me, but I swear on my honour I shall not leave your side until I have seen you safely to your native land and have witnessed your marriage to someone more worthy of your hand than I."

At daybreak the ship sailed. Entrail stared as Spoonville became smaller and smaller.

"I'll be back to stuff bagels, father!" he swore to the sea.

They sailed merrily along for a while and then the sea grew choppy. And choppier still. And then more choppy. Eventually, the ship was overturned and everyone drowned. But Entrail and Splinter struggled to a nearby square inch of driftwood and survived. They drifted there for several weeks without interruption, until one day the unthinkable occurred. They were approached by a swarm of killer squid.

Entrail closed his eyes. He had failed. Not only would he have failed his father by not returning to the bagel shop, but he would have failed his beloved Splinter also. They were sure to perish now. But when he opened his eyes . . . the squid were . . . smiling!

They then swam off.

Several weeks later, Entrail awoke on an island with Splinter by his side.

"There are no people here," he said, "I am the first man on this island and it shall be called Jism!"

So, Entrail and Splinter were married and Entrail returned home to fetch his father. The three opened a chain of bagel stufferies on Jism and were very happy.

Until one day.

Entrail had been bothered by something for a long while now and decided it was time to do something about it.

"My darling Splinter," he proclaimed, "Now that we are man and wife, I think you must tell me of the rare talent you spoke of when we were in Spoonville, on the night we met."

Splinter looked embarrassed.

"I'm a bit embarrassed, actually," she said.

"Oh, go on," said Entrail.

"I don't know," said Splinter.

"Please," said Entrail.

"Alright then," said Splinter, "It's like this. As I told you, I also was present in Spoonville for a convention. The problem was, I got a bit mixed up. You see, in the part of Spain from whence I came, they suffer from a peculiar inclination to abbreviate everything. Therefore, when I received notice that the Bagel Stuffers' Sons' Convention was to be held, it read simply B.S.S.C. Spoonville. Naturally, I assumed it to be the annual convention of my own people. However, that isn't until February."

"Your people?" asked Entrail.

"Yes," replied Splinter, "The Busty Spanish Squid Charmers' Convention."



N.B. When Entrail and Splinter became old and then dead, the bagel stuffer's job went to their eldest son who was named after the family's pet rabbit. Unfortunately, Rabbit could not pronounce the letter T and so became known as Rabbi. And that's where Jews come from and that's why Jewish people like bagels. Probably.

P.S. Yes, I was stoned.


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