Carol Vorderman presents...

Welcome to The Cull, a new exciting reality internet experience in which you decide who lives and dies in a web forum. The principle is simple - you observe the characters in the web forum participating in various hilarious activities such as choon choozing, topic debating, a huge variety of competitions and, of course, endless pointless bickering. Then cull them.

Because The Cull is wholly interactive, you can join in the activities and ask the characters any questions you like, even abuse them if you so wish, or perhaps have a shot at one of the prizes that are regularly on offer. Then at the end of each month you get to cast your vote for whichever character you would like to see culled.

The forum we have chosen for The Cull is pooclub as it has been going on way too long and has too much dead wood in it. Once pooclub has been totally eradicated we will move on to another web forum that would benefit from this invaluable service for the next series.

Here's our resident Cull Master, His Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh to explain the cull procedure.

Like me, I'm sure you all occasionally get a little tired of shooting dumb animals and long for some truly stupid ones instead. Well, now's your chance. Come with me and I'll show you how to wipe out an entire forum of morons armed with little more than your own laptop. First, we need to stalk our prey and we do that by sneaking into pooclub's Googlegroup here:

The Forum

Here, we can observe our quarry in its natural habitat. There is no need to hide. You can go right up to these creatures and slap them in the face and they won't have the good sense to run away. The tactic is to identify the lamest of these lame ducks and mark your target at our culling poll here:

Vote

Now this isn't one of your namby pamby reality TV shows where you vote to save the characters that you like. No, here you must vote for the one you most want to get rid of. The one that has really arsed you off over the last few weeks. The one that you'd really like to take out into the courtyard and administer a damn good thrashing to. The one you'd like to have stuffed and mounted on display at the entrance to the banqueting hall.

Maybe that Mike Two-Sheds twat has been getting a bit too full of his own importance. Perhaps you've become pissed off with nobsack Ciaran constantly pouring scorn on anything beyond his kitchen. Or what about that cloth-eared bint Naomi who whinges about everything, or fuckwit Brian who deliberately goes out of his way to irritate people?

Whatever the reason, if they get your dander up, put your mark on them and I’ll go and do the deed. If you ask me, culling's too good for them. Personally, I’d chaingang them together to follow the missus’s corgis around and make them eat up their turds. But that's regulations for you.

Right, follow me now and I'll show you who's who and how to bag a pooclubber.

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