Celebrity Stiffs

We all love our celebrities, don't we? And it's hardly surprising considering the pleasure and entertainment they bring to our otherwise dreary little lives. Celebrities have become so important to us that we can scarcely imagine what life would be like without them.

But the harsh reality is that, just like everyone else, celebrities die. And whenever this happens we feel like a piece of us has been cruelly taken away, and although this gives us an opportunity to watch tributes to them on the telly, or re-runs of some of the greatest moments of their careers, it is scant compensation for the irrevocable loss we all feel.

The Shitespace authors too feel this pain, but despite their grief they invariably summon up the energy to pay tribute to a recently departed celebrity in order that it may be of some solace to the fans of the star in question. Such tributes are scattered liberally throughout the Shitespace anthologies, but here we have collated them together in one place which we have affectionately titled "Celebrity Stiffs".

We have compiled our tributes here in the poopages so that we may also present to you tributes that have been written by members of pooclub. We keep this page open as, horrific though the thought is, more celebrities will inevitably kick the bucket and so our collection of tributes will invariably grow.

We hope you will find some comfort in our words.

Shitespace Tributes Owed To Ayrton (Mike) Ayrton Senna Lent me a tenner But he died at the wheel So I'm up on the deal. Hill's Bills (Mike) Graham Hill Sent me a bill But I didn't pay 'im 'Cos he was decayin'. Linda McCartney (Mike) Linda McCartney Invited me to a party But she died of cancer So I didn't have to answer. J.F.K. (Mike) John F. Kennedy Used to smoke ten a day And he survived them all But not the grassy knoll. Father Ted (Sarah) Dermot Morgan Lent me his organ But he died of a heart attack So I didn't have to give it back. Other tributes in a different format: Elvis Presley Eliot Ness William Wordsworth Princess Diana

Pooclub Tributes Sarah: Cat Stevens Had to call it evens He wrote a good tune But he was a loon Mike: Janis Joplin Took me shopping But I'm no mug So I spiked her with a drug. Mike: Buddy Holly Stole my brolly I got caught in the rain But he caught the plane... Mike: Marvin Gaye Tried it on with me one day So I went and told his dad And, boy, that made him mad. Mike: The Queen Mum Never looked glum But at a hundred and two Her smiling days were through. Mike: Mother Teresa We all had to praise 'er Then that shrivelled walnut One day was kaput. Mike: Barry Sheen Crashed his machine They fixed up each leg But he then died in bed. Brian: Mr Barry Sheen Made my furniture clean But now he's dead I'll have to use bees wax instead Mike: Johnny Cash Carried a stash But did he go higher Or into the burning ring of fire? Brian: Johnny Cash Made a dash To see his maker Via the undertaker Kate: Johnny Cash Smoked some hash It made him eat sweeties Now he's dead From diabetes. Not Dead Yet... Joel: Engelbert Humpadink took a crap in my sink With a name like that who cares where he shat Joel: Tom Jones has got old bones he can still bang out a song but probably not for long. Ciaran: Art Garfunkel Was not my uncle He couldn't sing But he sure did ming Kate: Michael J Fox Gave me the pox My fanny is aching But at least I'm not shaking Brian: G-g-g-g-areth G-g-g-g-ates He reckons he's g-g-g-reat As a rock 'n' roller But I think he should be an Air Traffic Controller

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