Planefall

Did you know that there are now more aircraft in the world than there are places to park them? The entire world airflight system requires that there always be a certain number of planes in the air at any one time. If it suddenly became necessary to ground every plane in the world, many of them would have nowhere to land and so they'd have to crash when they ran out of fuel.

It is therefore important that if the world were to run out of aviation fuel, pre-emptive steps must be taken well in advance. We must either build loads more airports and aircraft hangars, or begin disassembling aeroplanes as soon as they have landed. Naturally, building lots of new airports that are never going to be used other than to house a stockpile of unusable aircraft is an expensive and pointless business, therefore I am urging the governments of the world to initiate an aircraft cull.

I estimate that around 25-30% of the world's aircraft (about 3.2 million) will need to be removed from service in order to avoid this future disaster which has now been officially named "planefall". However, governments are notoriously slow at at implementing preventative measures so I see it as the responsibility of the public to ensure that this catastrophe does not occur.

For this reason, everybody should take a toolkit with them whenever they travel by plane. When you get off the plane, get out your spanners, screwdrivers, hacksaws and wotnots and remove a few parts of the aeroplane you've just travelled on. I do realise that one person having a go at a plane isn't going to disable it, especially when they want to get on with their holiday instead of having to do DIY jobs, but if all the passengers collectively were to join in they could reduce it to a pile of scrap in the time that they would otherwise spend standing in the queue to passport control.

Just a few points to note: remember that it is vital that you wait until the plane has landed and has come to a complete halt (watch for the seat belt light to go out) before you start taking it apart. If you disassemble a plane at 35,000 feet you're defeating the whole objective.

You may at some point be questioned by airport authorities about your actions. You must make it quite clear that this is not an act of sabotage (it is important that the aircraft can be seen not to be flightworthy anymore), and that you are doing this to prevent a major disaster. Try to get them to help if that's possible, even just asking them to hold a wrench while you unscrew a panel can make them feel that they are doing their bit, and will make them more sympathetic to your cause.

Mike's Spot

• Global Investment Banks
• Conspiracy Theories
• The United States Of What?
• Planefall
• Second Place
• The Last Place You Look
• Regional Accents
• With Jesus On Your Side
• The Fiscal Theory Of Relativity
• The Eddie Stobart Principle
• Human Ruminants
• The Myth Of Lesbianism
• Pooclub - The Ultimate Truth

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