Many poets consider writing verses for greetings cards beneath them.
Here at Shitespace, we don't.
On The Day Of Your Sentence
You've robbed and raped and murdered too
But now the law's caught up with you,
But twenty years will fly like hours.
Just be careful in the showers.
On Your Eviction
You've squandered all your rent on booze
And now your home you're going to lose
But never fear, there are still more ways,
Like benches, subways or shop doorways.
On Going On The Game
Congratulations! You're a whore!
Your new career you will adore.
May it free you from the kitchen
And help fund your heroin addiction.
On A Bungled Bank Robbery
A have-a-go hero, your husband was
But now the bastard's dead.
He tried to stop my getaway
So I pumped him full of lead.
On Parking In My Space
I've told you before, you fuckface
But once again you're in my space.
Well, this time you can wear the frown
Because I've let your tyres down.
On Your Overdose
Congratulations! You survived!
But next time you might not.
So, when you need a cry for help,
Take the bloody lot!
On Your Redundancy
A loyal worker all your life,
Your job faces its nemesis.
These two gentlemen will now
Escort you off the premises.
On Your Job Being Automated
Sorry to hear you've lost your job
You must feel quite a fool
The computer is quicker and better than you
Fuck off back to Liverpool.
On Finding Out Everyone Thinks You're A Wanker
This card is just a way
To lovingly convey
That you are just a wanker
Please don't send back a 'thank yer'.
On Your Abortion
A big Hurray on this fine day!
A mighty fine manoeuvre,
Your little baby, here at last!
Albeit down a hoover.
On Your Diagnosis With A Terminal Brain Tumour
Congratulations! Hip hurrah!
You're very nearly dead,
A lovely party soon will start,
Inside your wizzened head.
On Your Exhumation
You thought that you would never see
Again the light of day,
But now they've dug your corpse up
For the necrophiles to play.