I wish I could be thin and that I wasn't quite so fat.
I wish I didn't have an arse that flopped around my twat.
I wish my arms were slim and lean, my legs were strong and quick,
That I could climb a flight of stairs and not have to be sick.
I wish my stomach didn't sag beneath the mighty weight.
I wish I could refuse when they begin to fill my plate.
I wish my chin was just ONE chin, my tits were firm and hard,
That I could nibble carrot sticks, not Mars bars fried in lard.
I wish my vulva didn't bulge, my flaps weren't quite so large.
My fanny is so fat that it produces slime like marg.
I wish my sagging, sloppy arse would simply shrink away.
I think I'll start a diet. Yes, I think I'll start today.
I'll throw away the chocolates I have hidden round the house.
I'll get my cheese from out the fridge, donate it to a mouse.
I'll swap my lard for olive oil, my crisps for cracker bread.
I'll chuck my butter in the bin and buy some low-fat spread.
I'll get up off my lazy arse and go out for a run,
And when I'm feeling peckish I will never eat a bun.
I'll throw away the TV set, I'll join the gym instead,
And buy some lycra short things and a sweat band for my head.
I'll live off fruit and vegetables and healthy things like that,
And pretty soon I'll start to see that I'm not quite that fat.
The bits of flesh that sagged and strained will soon be pert and round
As I begin to shed the weight, pound by pound by pound.
And soon I will be really slim, a slinky 8 or 10,
And everyone will stop and stare, especially gorgeous men.
I'll wear blue jeans that hug my buns, and g-strings small and white,
And t-shirts that show off my tits, all see-through, nice and tight.
And people will say "You look nice!". I'll think "Wow, that's great!"
And diet even harder and lose lots and lots more weight.
The thinner I shall get (oh yes), the better I shall feel.
I won't stop 'til I'm half the size of her off Ally McBeal.
I'll only eat one grape a week, I'll puke into a sink.
I'll eat a thousand laxatives and make my bathroom stink.
I'll turn into a skeleton before your very eyes,
But better that than go around with pick-up trucks for thighs!
I'll puke and puke and shit and shit until I'm nearly dead,
My body like a matchstick with a giant, massive head,
My arse a distant memory, my fadge-fat has been shed,
With no more butter dripping out, but slim-fast shake instead.
Yes being fat is really shit, I'd rather be dead thin,
But sadly I just can't be arsed. I'm too embroiled in sin,
So run and get a bag of chips, some sausage, fish and sauce.
I'll sit here on my big fat cunt and chew upon a horse.