Shitespace - Aliens
Kate Rancid

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom there lived a young midget by the name of Adam. Adam was only two foot high but he had the most incredible talent - he could juggle fifteen armadillos with one hand. There was only one other person in the whole world who could juggle fifteen armadillos with one hand, and he was full-sized. It really was considered very clever for a midget to be able to do it!

One day, Adam was in the garden tending to his armadillos when a great bright light appeared from out of the sky. The whole world seemed to go black for a moment, and then, what a sight! Adam had to pinch himself to see if he was dreaming. There, shiny and red, large as life, in his garden, was a flying saucer. Adam rubbed his eyes and stared. Pretty soon the side of the craft began to light up, and then seemed to just melt away into nothing! One by one, several little creatures began to spill out of the gap. They were the same size as Adam, and they looked remarkably similar as Adam was one of those midgets with really weird faces, only Adam was white, and the aliens were pale green.

"Take me to your leader!" demanded one of the aliens.

Adam thought for a moment. "Er... I ... erm... okay," said Adam.

Adam led the aliens down the garden path and up the little bendy road. If it's a leader they want, he thought, I'll take them to see the mayor.

The mayor was having a terrible day. One of the treasurers had been involved in a scandal and it was all over the papers. Like most people, he didn't have much time for midgets. He wasn't very impressed to see Adam.

"Sir, I have brought you some space folk," said Adam. The aliens flooded into the mayor's office. The mayor looked rather startled.

"Good heavens!" he said.

Just then, the mayor's coloured slave, Alabama-Lou, shuffled into the room with a tray of tea and biscuits. The aliens took one look at her and began to scream. They ran as fast as they could out of the mayor's town. You see, in their culture, it would be unthinkable to allow a coloured to wait on you - on their planet they were kept in concentration camps and burnt for fuel.

Adam and the mayor began to survey the damage. The aliens had left carnage in their wake - daffodils had been trampled and crisp packets kicked unthinkingly into the gutter.

The mayor decided to call a meeting. He sent invitations to all the respectable townspeople, but not to Adam as he was a midget, and certainly not to Alabama-Lou! The respectable folk soon arrived and were seated in the town hall. The mayor stood up and began to speak.

"No one comes down and trashes our town!" he said. "I say we go after them with guns!"

Everyone cheered, and the men went off with their guns and their heartbroken wives wiped away tears of worry and pride. The aliens had broken their spaceship and couldn't get away. There were screams that pierced the air as the people hit the aliens with sticks and shot at them with guns. When all the aliens were dead, the people were free to go home and live in peace, without fear of assimilation.

And Adam the midget? Well, he was given a public flogging, partly because of his involvement with the aliens, but mainly just because he looked like a freak.


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